Clarksville, TN – “The book can be for anyone who thinks they are going through this, have gone through it, or just need to protect themselves, because narcissists use our blind-spots against us,” Cole continued. “If you don’t know what a narcissist is and are confused by it – you’re thinking, ‘everyone has some good in them, narcissists are probably just someone who is selfish, they’re not that harmful, they’re just difficult, and in need of love and support. You need to read the book.
“To understand and heal from narcissistic abuse, you have to understand what you’re dealing with, how to heal, and how to set boundaries to protect your healing. A lot of people who read the book said, ‘oh, I can finally make sense of these crazy-making behaviors’, or ‘it’s like you were in my head seeing my thoughts, or in my house the way you describe these interactions’. Some say, ‘I thought I was going crazy until I read your book, because nobody around me sees this or gets it’. This book helps you feel validated and to know that you’re not crazy, that this is real, and there is a way to heal.”
Cole collected more than 400 stories, including some of her own, to share in this book because she really wants people to see that they are not alone.
“I asked myself, what does someone dealing with this abuse need to know to heal?” Cole said. “Narcissism has become such a buzzword. It’s great that people are talking about it, but harmful that more people are likely to dismiss your concerns, tell you you’re being overly dramatic, and say, ‘oh, everyone is a narcissist. ‘ Saying that everyone is a narcissist implies that no one is a victim of it. That’s a slap in the face to real survivors.
“I knew I wanted to help people understand it and learn to protect themselves. You need to understand your family, childhood history, what makes you susceptible to getting stuck in a narcissistic relationship, and how to set boundaries. So, I talk about how to define the six types of narcissists, warning signs you’re being abused, the most common reasons you get stuck, and how to get unstuck.”
Do they seek out certain personality types?
“Narcissists are narcissists with everyone. Anyone can find themselves in one of these relationships. Everyone has dealt with a narcissist at some point, whether they realize it or not, however some people are more prone to getting stuck in a narcissistic relationship. It tends to be people who are more agreeable, empathetic, kind, and patient, and willing to give the benefit of the doubt.
“Usually, it’s really kind people who are abused. That’s why it’s so important for sensitive people to understand what narcissism is and how to be more confident in setting boundaries, knowing what that means, and how to deal with this. Narcissists will exploit your strengths – your kindness and your giving nature- to their advantage.”
Cole says your ability to walk away depends on the nature of the relationship and the personality type you’re dealing with. Are they moderate or severe narcissist? Also, how many, of these relationships have you had, and how many enablers are around?
“A lot of people struggle if it’s a family member,” Cole said. “You may not be able to go no-contact, or maybe it’s someone you have to work with. If you cut them off, you may be cutting off access to others who don’t get what’s happening.
“Narcissists like to isolate, control, and triangulate. They oftentimes tell you that other people are saying things that they aren’t actually saying. It can become difficult for you to hang around family, coworkers, friends, and so you end up isolating yourself because it’s just not worth the conflict.”
So, how is narcissistic abuse different from other types of abuse?
“Well, my definition of narcissistic abuse is, it’s a multi-layered attack on your sense of self,” Cole said. “It’s a dismantling of who you are and what you believe to be your worth. There are consistent and repetitive tactics commonly used by narcissists to meet their ego needs and gain control over your emotions, perceptions, and thoughts.
“It can include physical abuse, but this is often a hidden type of abuse. Narcissists use gas-lighting, manipulating, and devaluing you anywhere, anytime. And if the people around you don’t know the nature of the relationship, they might not even recognize that what the narcissist is doing is abuse at all. In fact, most people look at these relationships from the outside and explain what is happening as miscommunication or a difference in attachment style. They might think someone is just going through something stressful, which results in advice like, ‘well, all relationships have their ups and downs’, and/or ‘no one is perfect’.
“Because, from the outside, narcissists can look quite charming and charismatic or just very innocent and harmless. They put so much effort into maintaining their image that the outside world is telling you, ‘this is a great person. You’re so lucky to be with them’. Or, ‘this person is so nice they would never treat you so poorly’. You start trying to express what is really happening and you are told to be more grateful and try to see the brighter side of things.
“That’s what makes it so different from other forms of abuse. People often don’t see what is really happening to you as abuse.”
Cole explains that the origin is complex. There is an inborn part of your personality, your temperament, which is something you’re born with.
“Narcissists do tend to have a more difficult temperament, meaning that as babies and children they are harder to soothe,” Cole said. “They are more naturally dis-regulated, they can be more impulsive, they are just more difficult children in general. However, that alone doesn’t mean they are going to grow up to be narcissistic.
“They tend to come from environments that are both over and under indulgent – overindulging in appearance, status, money, how things look, what you’re doing, what other people think of you. Or under-indulging in things like empathy, kindness, values, morals, and character.
“There are other factors, like friendships in school, and how they are treated. A lot of the core of narcissism is about being victimized and entitled and having a grandiose mindset.”
Vulnerable narcissists can appear to be really kind or even depressed. “They have a very victimized mindset,” Cole said. “Some therapists mistake this for depression. Helpers seem to be drawn to this type of narcissist because they seem sad and pitiful, and those are usually the feelings that you have when you’re around them.”
Grandiose narcissists can be very entitled. “They come across arrogant, but they are also very charming and charismatic,” Cole said. “They tend to be very extroverted, so they do better in social situations. Grandiose says, ‘look how great I am’. Vulnerable says, ‘why doesn’t the world see how great I am, why doesn’t anything ever go my way?
What should you do if you find yourself in one of these relationships?
“The first thing you should do is watch their patterns and actions over time,” Cole said. “They are very good at twisting reality – saying one thing while doing another. They control you the most when they control what you think and how you feel. Ultimately, they want to become the filter through which you see the world so you no longer trust your own perception.
“That’s why the first step is to stop listening to what they say and just watch what they do. Narcissism is a rigid personality style, which means their patterns are quite predictable over time. All narcissists display patterns of entitlement, superficiality, grandiosity, a lack of empathy, and chronic validation-seeking. They are quite rigid in their thinking and antagonistic in their behaviors toward you. They alternate between nice/charming and rageful/sullen.
Cole says that as you collect that concrete evidence, you can say emphatically, ‘you did say this, this did happen, we did agree on that. ‘ That helps you to stop being confused by their words and to really see their actions.
“I hope this information is helpful,” Cole said. “Everyone can find my book on my website www.chelseybrookecole.com. I send out a free bi-monthly newsletter in which I talk about understanding and healing from narcissistic abuse. That’s great free information. There is also information on group coaching and my healing community. And, people can work with me directly with therapy or coaching.”
